Day…..(whoops)

Okay so I fucking suck at this already. It’s November 10th. I’ve missed like 5 days. But here I am, back in action. I turned 22 yesterday. But honestly, it didn’t even feel like my birthday. And I guess that’s what happens when you become an adult. Too bad I don’t feel like one. I feel like a 16 year old. Not in the good way either. I just feel like I’m so behind compared to everyone else my age. Which I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to others but it’s pretty hard when the majority of my friends have already graduated with some sort of degree. I feel out of place. It’s exhausting. 

Day 2. Part 2.

Did I mention my lesbian/bisexual/idgaf best friend is perfect? Holy shit. I’ve never loved a human more than I love that child. She’s perfect in every definition of the word. She’s the kinda girl you take shopping, and to the coffee shop on a raining Saturday morning, but also to the rave on Friday night. She’s beautiful. She’s strong. She’s the most selfless person I know and she’s the basic reason I’m still here. I don’t tell her nearly enough how much I utterly adore her. But I do. Jennarita, I love you. More than cake or Chinese food, One Tree Hill and One Direction (maybe)

You hold the key to my heart. My cold black heart. Thanks for being my beautiful girl. 

Forever the Peyton to your Brooke.

Day 2. Part 1. 

Day 2. My best friend who’s lesbian just texted me and told me she’s been seeing this guy lately, texting and going to dinner and such. She told me she’s confused and scared, because she thought she was just into girls. She hasn’t dealt with being attracted to a guy in quite awhile, 3 years to be exact. Now for most people this may not seem important or something you should stress about. But for her, I know it’s a big deal. Of course, I got on my best friend soap box and told her there’s nothing to be scared of, that at the end of the day her happiness is all the matters. No matter in what form that happiness comes. Whether she likes girls or guys or both. And in that moment I realized everything I usually preach about to others is something I should preach to myself. Why is that so hard? Why is so easy for us to tell others what’s so difficult to tell ourselves? I guess that’s something in our human nature. 
Has anyone ever noticed how beautiful acoustic versions of songs are? I’m listening to Beauty and a Beat by good ol’ JB, the acoustic version. I don’t care for the radio version with Nicki Minaj but I am in luvvvv with this acoustic version. 
(Told you this shit was gonna be random af)
Okay so I found out that Fall Out Boy is gonna be in Dallas on December 15th and for anyone who knows me (unfortunately none of you yet) I FUCKING LOVE FALL OUT BOY. So I texted my mom letting her know that a fan-fucking-tastic birthday gift (November 9th if anyone cares) would be FOB tickets. Of course, she’s not in the 21st century yet so buying concert tickets….yeah she wouldn’t even know where to begin. But, I kid you not, my good internet people, I will find a way to that concert. And it will be the happiest day of my life. Until I meet One Direction that is. 
It’s 1:06 am. It’s November 4th WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE?! WE’RE ALMOST AT 2016 PEOPLE WAKE THE FUCK UP THIS ISN’T A DRILL.
Also, tonight I found out there was a Human Centipede 3 and I don’t know who’s bright fucking idea it is to keep making these movies but it needs to stop. God bless. There’s only so much you can do with that, Tom Six. Please stop. Please.
Miserable at Best just came on oh god the feels 😭💔🎶 
I just want to throw in here that if any one of you need someone to talk to, well I’m here. I’m really good at talking to strangers bc I believe a stranger is only a stranger until you say hello. So say hello. Whether it be 3 am, 4 am, 9 am or 5 pm and you’re sitting in traffic. Let’s talk. 
Be back later.

Day 1.

I don’t really know how to start this without being entirely too cliché or making it awkward as fuck. 
I guess the reason I’m doing this is because I have a lot of things to say but no one to say them to. And maybe that’s my fault. I’ve noted that I push everyone away or drive them to the point that they can’t handle being my friend. And that’s understandable because 99% of the time I can’t handle myself. 
An introductory would be a good place to really begin. I’m 22 years old and I’m from a small area in East Texas that I’ve come to loathe. I’m 5’3 with brown hair and brown eyes. Aka, plain and dry. Negative vibes right off the bat, huh? That’s probably what the vast majority of my posts are going to be: negative. And I wish it were different. I wish with all of my heart that I could write you a positive, sunshine and summertime, happy go lucky blog but that’s not my reality right now. I’m hoping that as the days go by I can get rid of some of this negativity. Maybe we’ll see a change as time passes. 
Anyway, back to the introduction. 5’3, brown hair, brown eyes, your average looking girl. I have an undying love for music, like the majority of my generation does. Although, my intentions with music aren’t to twerk or hit the quan. This is something that means so damn much to me, I can’t even imagine who I would be without music. I enjoy reading from time to time. I love to travel when I get the chance, meeting different people, and learning new things. My hobbies? Well, depression and anxiety if that counts. (joking) But they do take up a lot of my time. For that reason, I don’t really go out. I don’t party. I don’t have many friends. I took a semester off from school because I couldn’t get out of bed most days due to my two sweet pals. I usually go to work, come home and binge watch Grey’s Anatomy or One Tree Hill until I fall asleep. I sound really boring on paper but I’d like to think I’m a pretty cool individual who’s just stuck in the wrong place. 

Some days, I’m desperately fighting to regain control of myself, my mind, my kick ass personality that I know is still in there somewhere. Some days, most days, I could care less and would rather die. I know, I know. I’m so selfish, right? I guess so. But you know what I think? I think it’s pretty fucking ridiculous that I’m supposed to think about others and THEIR feelings about MY situation. Nobody gives a damn about what I’m dealing with so why should I care about how this “affects” them? 
Alright, that got really negative, really quickly. I don’t really want to die. If I did, I would have done it by now. I just want the pain to go away. I want my mind to stop giving me hell. I want to wake up and NOT hate myself. I want to look in the mirror and see someone who’s not worthless. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I just expect this to change overnight. I know everyone says that all of this happiness shit starts within yourself but I wonder if any of those people have ever had depression. I try to tell myself it gets better, that I’m not worthless, I’m not ugly, I’m not stupid, that it’s all in my depressing mind. But boy, let me tell ya…my depressing mind is pretty fucking strong. Pretty sure he devoured my actual mind one morning for breakfast. 

I don’t remember when it all changed. I can’t remember when I went to the dark side, or why, or how. For the most part, I think I was a happy kid. I don’t recall having any issues until I came into my teenage years. Which is normal, ya know. I mean all teens go through that stage where we lose ourselves, hate everyone, ESPECIALLY our authority figures, can’t figure out who we are or who we wanna be. But most of us have that basically solved around 18, 19, 20. That doesn’t mean there won’t be bad days or hard times, but at that point we’ve mostly figured out how to handle it. I think that’s the stage that I missed. Because I don’t know how to handle of this. The self hatred, the insecurity, the depression, the painful anxiety, the feeling of worthlessness. I don’t know how to get past it all. In the movies, it sounds easy. “Just be positive. Be happy. Smile.” Thanks Sherlock, as if that hadn’t occurred to me. 

People that I’ve reached out to tell me the same things. “It gets better, you just have to stay strong.” Stay strong? What part of me looks strong to you? The part that can’t go to the grocery store without feeling like everyone is staring at me? The part that does physical and emotional damage to myself each and every day? You tell me, man. Where do you see this strength at? Let me know.

It’s 2:02 am. November 3rd, 2015. This year flew by, amirite? Wow. I remember being like 10 or 11 and thinking that by this time, there would be flying cars and shit. I also thought the world was a safe place and that I would always be happy. Naive, I was. 

(PS you’re gonna notice my inability to stay on track so bare with me through this journey bc I suck at keeping a flow going. You will get lost. Often. Sorry) 

Anyways, the point of this whole thing is for me to just say whatever is on my mind at whatever time. I’m not promising to be good at this. I’m not saying any of it will make sense. And it’s going to be hard for me to not delete this as soon as I publish it because that’s what I do. But I know that there are over 7 billion people in this world and if just one person reads this and understands, even for a paragraph or two, then maybe I’m not alone. Maybe I’m not stupid or ugly or worthless. And maybe things will get better. I guess we’ll see.